10 Steps To The Worst Day Ever

Gratitude, joy, blah, blah, blah...it's so easy to find self-help articles featuring ways to infuse happiness into your soul.  Who ever thinks of the other side, though?  What about all those people who want to spend their days simmering in misery and loathing?  Who ever thinks about them? Today it's their turn.  If you are ready to take the first steps to sucking every ounce of joy from your daily life, here are ten ways to set you on your path:

  1. Visualization + intention = reality.  Before your eyes even open, begin to mentally prepare yourself for the crappy day that awaits you.  Think about everything that can possibly irritate you, and run with it.  Don't just imagine it; believe it.  Know, deep in your soul, that your day is going to suck, and there's nothing you can do about it.
  2. Believe wholeheartedly in the incompetence of others.  You just know that the barista is going to completely screw up your incredibly easy order.  No one can ever do anything right!  You might as well be proactive and get annoyed before the inevitable disappointment comes.
  3. Sweat the small stuff.  All of it.  Because, really, getting a splash of whole milk rather than soy is utterly INFURIATING.  And so is finding out that you went over on your texting plan.  These are life-altering issues, and you deserve to vent.  Loudly.  How else are you going to eventually move on?
  4. Be persistent.  You know exactly what has brought you suffering in the past, so just keep doing that same thing, over and over.  Practice makes perfect!
  5. Be frugal.  Don't waste money on comfortable shoes, a supportive bed, or anything else that will bring you a sense of well-being or joy.  Contentment is overrated. And what are you going to have to complain about if your feet and back don't hurt?
  6. Be proactive. Put yourself directly into situations where it is easy to be uncomfortable.  Do you have a bad back?  Hurry up and grab the most uncomfortable chair.  Do you hate the cold?  Sit directly in front of the drafty window.
  7. Did you know that misery is contagious?  It's true.  So spread it around!  Keep your bitchface on.  Talk ceaselessly about horrible things that are going on in the world today.  And, you know how that stupid barista screwed up your coffee?  And how you went over on your texting plan?  Make sure to let everyone know.  Repeatedly.
  8. Utilize social media to stay on top of how much is lacking in your life, compared to everyone else.  Facebook is a fantastic way to learn just how much happier everyone else is than you.
  9. Ask lots of questions that you don't want the answer to.  Prepare to seethe with anger.  (And if you do get the answer you want...then that person is a lying liar, and never to be trusted again.)
  10. Set the tone for the next day. Go to bed obsessing about everything that went wrong/pissed you off/stressed you out throughout the course of the day.  And know in your heart of hearts, as you rest your head and drift off into slumber, that tomorrow is going to suck even more than today.

If you're already doing most of these things on a daily basis...congratulations!  You are on your way to mastering the art of being a miserable, soul-sucking human being.  Now go buy some itchy underwear and rejoice in the knowledge that you are successful at something!