Redemption

Last Saturday, I woke up with an overwhelming urge to send a letter to someone I had wronged in the past. I have no idea why this came up, or what made me start dwelling on it after several years have passed. All I know was that the desire to make amends was so strong that I started obsessing about it, and couldn't let it go all morning long. I'm not going to write about the situation itself, but I will leave it at this: the fault was purely mine, and what I did was completely out of character for me. It was something that I had stewed over in the past, and I had thought that it was out of my system. Apparently, I was wrong.

So, I decided to write a letter to purge myself of the guilt, once and for all. As I planned out what to say, I started to wonder whether I was doing the right thing for all parties, not just myself. Writing this confessional letter might make me feel better, but would it make the person I had wronged feel any better? In short, I started to think about whether this letter of apology was for the highest good. Yes, it was good for me. But the whole point of making amends is to satisfy everyone, not just the person who wants to ease their conscience. In an ideal world, my token gesture of apology would be welcomed and appreciated. In reality, however, it would likely bring up old feelings of bitterness that time had smoothed away.

I spoke to a wise friend about this matter, and she said that there is clearly a reason why this topic has suddenly popped into my head. It's unfinished business...but not for the other person. For me. I need to forgive myself. So, I am trying. And, you know what? It's a hell of a lot harder to forgive yourself, than to forgive someone else. But I'm working on it.